30 years old
I wanted to grow up. I was only thirteen. The boys we hung out with would try to give us girls ‘tatty-twisters’ and chase us. The bugged me that I was flat. No kidding I was flat I barely had hit puberty!
I had won a volley ball game that day; was excited and came home elated. I remember my brothers friend giving me extra attention following me around the house. I didn’t think anything of it. Then he followed me to bed and closed the door. At first I thought maybe this meant that he liked me, or that this is just what boys do when you are when you ‘grow up’. At first I thought it would be ok. He began ‘tickling’ me, but could tell I wasn’t into it. But he didn’t stop. He continued to touch me. I froze. I just said ‘ow’. I wish I would have said something like “stop”, or done something. I knew I had to get out. I pretended I had to pee and left eventually. I left the door open and pretended to be tired and sleep.He kept asking for me to close the door, as my parents were home. At first I thought maybe this was just how it was supposed to be, but deep down I knew it was different. I didn’t want this. I felt sick. The smell of him made me want to vomit. I hated him. I felt used, defeated, broken. Growing up was supposed to be sexy, this sure felt nothing like that.
I don’t hate him still, I found the grace to forgive him years ago. But I still see a thread of the effects it had on me. I no longer would be the victim, I would be the initiator. I wouldn’t be vulnerable in any sexual situations I found myself. My body was all guys wanted anyway, wasn’t it? My body, became all that mattered. To the point of making myself vomit after meals, and using exercise as a punishment for eating. I would control my weight because life was out of control and plus that is where my value lied.
Healing has come slowly through grace alone I have found peace, rest and freedom from the fear of my weight. Healing from the Healer, who gave me a husband who respected me and treaded me like I had more worth than just my body. My husband loved all of me, and valued all of me. We waited till we were married and sex was beautiful and continues to be.
(These are real letters from real woman who have sent me their stories to share with all of you! They have not been altered, edited, or changed in anyway and if you have a story of your own to share email me at firstname.lastname@example.org)